Writer’s note: This article is for satirical and humorous purposes only.
You ever wonder how Steven Spielberg is able to command large groups of people and coerce them into attending his movies? Are you curious about why his movies often deal with otherworldly or futuristic subjects? Does it concern you that he’s very close with Harrison Ford?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, you may want to watch your back a little more closely, because these are the first steps in realizing that Steven Spielberg is, in fact, a Jedi. I’m sacrificing my very safety by even publishing this information, so continue with caution.
(A rare photo of Steven Spielberg using the force on an uncooperative actor.)
Strange Focus on Aliens
Let’s start with the most obvious anomaly — he has a strange fascination with aliens. E.T. the Extra Terrestrial (1982), Close Encounters of the Third Kind (1977), War of the Worlds (2005) — even Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) all involve aliens or encounters with the supernatural at some point.
So, why this focus on aliens? Simple: he’s trying to pay tribute to the creatures who he grew up with and taught him the ways of the force. It’s his way of displaying his gratitude. Though he knows they may never see his movies, it eases his conscience from the fact that he ran away from his alien home.
Buddies with Harrison Ford
Before we get into this one, one fact needs to be established — Harrison Ford is Han Solo. I don’t just mean he plays him in Star Wars, I mean he actually is Han Solo. Unfortunately, the Sith George Lucas (I’ll elaborate on this at a later time) gave him amnesia so now he doesn’t remember who he is and thus takes the alias of Harrison Ford.
Spielberg has always resented Lucas for that, but there’s nothing even a Jedi can do. Instead, he befriended Harrison Ford and cast him as the iconic Indiana Jones to give him the status he deserves as hero of the galaxy and protector of some of the most powerful Jedi of the universe. He hopes that one day Ford will remember who he once was, but for now he just does his best by being friends with him.
Jedi Mind Tricks
It’s no secret that Spielberg is an insanely successful director. Any movie bearing his name will easily gross over $100 million at the box office. You may attribute this to some sort of talent he has a director. And you’d be correct in assuming that he has a talent, but it’s not as a director.
He’s a master of Jedi mind tricks and can use them to manipulate large groups of people at once, even millions. How else do you think his movies make so much money?
How, you ask? Easy: he injects subtle movements and sounds into the trailers, so anyone who watches the trailer immediately feels a strange pull to go see the movie, even if they have no interest in the subject. Even if you don’t watch the trailer, you’ll probably feel the peer pressure to go see his movies.
Spielberg is a clever man.
Maintains Ties to the Jedi
Still with me? Mind-blowing, I know. But it gets worse from here, so brace yourself for some more crazy but true evidence.
On AFI’s top 100 movie list, Schindler’s List (1993) ranks as number nine — the highest of Spielberg’s films on the list. To the ordinary viewer, they may attribute this to the fact that it’s a well-made movie. After all, it handles a tough historical subject with just the right amount of poise and shock and incorporates some stellar performances. While that is true, you and I know better by now.
Who stars in Schindler’s List? Liam Neeson — whose real name is Qui Gon Jinn. At this point, Spielberg’s not even trying to be subtle anymore. Qui Gon Jinn and Spielberg are manipulating the people so that they will have a good opinion of the Jedi when it’s time for them to take over the Earth.
What Can You Do?
While it’s almost impossible to best a Jedi when you do not possess the Force yourself, there is one thing you can do: gain the high ground.
Wherever Spielberg is, make sure you’re one step above him. I find the best way to be prepared is to carry around a step stool or even a thick phonebook with you just in case you meet up with Spielberg somewhere. Inconvenient? Maybe. Will it save your life one day? Most likely.
While I understand that the Jedi Council has our best interests in mind, they also let Anakin fall to the Dark Side, so we know they can’t always be trusted. Best to keep your guard up!
Thanks for reading! What are your thoughts on Steven Spielberg as a Jedi? Comment down below!
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