Film Review – xXx: Return of Xander Cage (2017)

The next attempt from Vin Diesel to kick-start another franchise other than the Fast and Furious is here with xXx: Return of Xander Cage.  This is the third movie in the xXx franchise with the last movie coming out in 2005.  Who asked for this movie?  Who knows, but it’s here whether you like it or not!  As always, the following review will be spoiler free so that all you massive xXx fans can go out to the theater to see it for yourself.

Background

xXx: Return on Xander Cage is directed by D.J. Caruso and stars Vin Diesel in the title role along with Donnie Yen, Toni Collette, and Nina Dobrev at his side among a large cohort of supporting actors.

We follow Xander Cage after he comes out of a self-imposed exile in order to stop a rogue group of trained fighters from stealing and using a weapon known as Pandora’s Box which can link to all the satellites and take them out of the sky in a matter of seconds.  Now it’s up to Xander and his team of thrill-seeking extremists to stop what turns into a massive conspiracy.

image via ComingSoon.net

Background…Continued

As soon as I heard that this movie was being made, it sounded like another sequel to a franchise that was going to be made way too late for people to care.  The first xXx was fun for what it was, but the film was based on extreme sports that aren’t really in style anymore.  Then Ice Cube can around and tried to move the franchise forward in a sequel that hardly anyone enjoyed.

I can’t say I’m the biggest of Vin Diesel‘s work.  He attempts to be the 2010’s version of a 1980’s action star that has one-liners and kicks a ton of tail with no remorse.  However, all he does in the Fast and Furious movies is scowl and talk about family, which bogs down the over-the-top action (which is the only reason we want to see the those movies).

Needless to say I didn’t have high hopes for Return of Xander Cage, but I held out hope that it could be a trashy, guilty pleasure of a movie.

image via ComingSoon.net

While Diesel and co. clearly attempt to make xXx: Return of Xander Cage stupid fun, it’s just plain stupid.

What I Didn’t Like

The movie tries so hard to be cool that its insufferable at times.  Every scene is filled with house music and one-liners which just comes off as annoying.  Return of Xander Cage even models its character introductions after last summer’s Suicide Squad, which isn’t necessarily the best way to form your movie.  The movie is so focused on showing “cool” people doing “cool” stunts with “cool” cameos that try to say “cool” one-liners that it doesn’t even really tell a story.  In the end, these “cool” elements just really get on your nerves.

These “cool” people create a hilarious contrast with Toni Collette’s character, who clearly did not want to be in this movie whatsoever.  She delivers all her lines in complete monotone with zero life or charisma.  Every time one of Diesel’s “cool” teammates says a one-liner her frown droops a little lower.  She clearly just wanted to get her paycheck then promptly leave and get away from this mess of a movie.

image via The Courier

What I Liked

Despite my clear displeasure for xXx, Donnie Yen is pretty awesome to be expected.  The martial arts expert has some awesome hand-to-hand combat scenes throughout the movie that made the audience squeal with glee.  On top of that, his character is one of the few likable people onscreen.  The unfortunate part is that when he engages with Vin Diesel in combat, the action becomes super choppy and edited around Vin Diesel because he and stunt double can’t keep up with Donnie Yen’s awesomeness.

image via Phase9.tv

What I Didn’t Like…Continued

But Yen can’t save the RIDICULOUS amount of one-liners in this movie.  If you played a drinking game to this movie where you you took a drink every time someone said a one-liner, you’d be passed out in the first fifteen minutes of the movie.  As I write this, I can’t recall one of them actually landing.  Everyone in the audience cringed at Diesel’s attempts at humor.  This movie tries very hard to be funny but fails very miserably.

Conclusion

In the end, if you enjoyed the first two xXx movies you might find some enjoyment out of this movie, but everyone else need not apply.  xXx: Return of Xander Cage gets a D.  Stay at home and watch Furious 7 instead since that’s clearly what this film is shooting to make a rip-off of in its execution.

image via Movies WBB

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