If I Had Made Twilight…

Let’s be honest: Twilight (2008) sucked, in more ways than one (but you already knew that). A movie about teenage vampires had so much potential and it was squandered on a terrible storyline with paper-thin characters. While it’s not really any one person’s fault, it sure did suck in the end.

I don’t have any directing experience. I barely take videos on my phone and when I do they’re usually of an interesting bug I saw. But, let me tell you: if I had directed Twilight, it would’ve been a blockbuster. We wouldn’t mock Kristen Stewart to this day for having to play such a flat character. Robert Pattinson wouldn’t take a shot every time someone mentioned Edward. My Twilight would’ve been a cult classic and something to talk about for years to come — and not for the reasons we talk about Twilight already.

We’d Throw That Book Away

That’s right — in a movie based on a book, we would throw the book away. I don’t care about copyright or the fact that Stephanie Meyer would have to be involved in some way — we’re not using that book. The reason the movie sucks in the first place is because the book sucks.

In this way, I’d be able to make Edward Cullen less creepy and more romantic. He wouldn’t exhibit almost every warning sign of an abuser. He’d be sweeter and less pretentious. And he certainly wouldn’t gag the first time he met Bella Swan because, for some odd reason, her human scent is too overpowering.

Image via VH1

Also, Jacob wouldn’t have nasty long hair and look like a girl for the first bit of the saga. That was probably one of the most mentally scarring images of my life.

We’d Let Kristen Stewart Show Some Emotion

This would be the best part about throwing away the book: we no longer would have to deal with emotionless Bella. Like seriously, she was only given one face throughout the entire movie and I got tired of it after the first five minutes. And does she ever shut her mouth? She has to play such a mouthbreather in Twilight that there’s a whole video dedicated to it.

I mean, I love this video, but we wouldn’t need it if Bella just learned to breathe like a normal human being. Edward was apparently drawn to her because she was the farthest thing from human he could find; it’s obviously no wonder — she just isn’t human. I hate Bella Swan’s character so much and I’m so sorry that Kristen Stewart had to play her.

Edward Would Actually Adapt

Okay, I get it — Edward’s been a vampire for a while. Since 1918, to be exact. But does he have to use outdated vocabulary? You’d think after living for a hundred years and being a teenager for the whole time, he would at least catch on to some lingo and be a little hip. But no, we have to use phrases like, “It’s an extraordinary thing to meet someone who you can bare your soul to and accept you for what you are.” I guess it’s romantic, but it’s also unrealistic and I just want to call bulls*** on it.

He’d also learn how to dress like he’s actually a part of the 2000s culture. Where are the baseball caps and basketball shorts? What kind of a normal teenager wears trench coats to school? I’m telling you right now that when a kid wears his trench coat you probably don’t want to make friends with him, much less date him.

Image via Twilight Costumes Edward

And for heaven’s sake you’d think after being alive for nearly a hundred years that Edward would learn that humans are trouble and he can’t risk being outed by them. I don’t care how much he was in love with Bella (God knows why) — she wasn’t worth using his super speed for or introducing her to vampire baseball or marrying her. Seriously, just don’t get mixed up with it, Edward. You could be doing much better things with your life.

Edward Would Actually Just Kill Bella

There wasn’t enough killing in this movie. The whole vampires with a conscience thing didn’t work out for me. Can you expect me to believe that bloodthirsty vampires restrained themselves and only stuck to animal blood? Come on, people. The Cullens would have eventually realized that there were enough humans to go around, especially if they moved every few years.

So, instead of awkwardly flirting with her and telling her that her human scent is overpowering, Edward would actually just bite Bella as soon as he saw her and kill her. That way, he would no longer have that temptation to kill her and Taylor Lautner wouldn’t be caught in a weird werewolf-vampire love triangle and could spend his days running with his long hair flowing in the wind.

Edward is a bloody (pun intended) vampire! He’s immortal! He could do so much with his life if he just got rid of Bella. He could infiltrate Area 51, write best-selling novels, learn to play the guitar and start a vampire band. Why is he limiting himself to an awkward teenage girl who can’t even shut her mouth?!? Edward, my dude, you do not have your vampire priorities straight.

Image via The Wrap

The One Thing I’d Keep

Edward would still periodically call people “spider monkey” for no apparent reason. He’d use it as a term of endearment toward his vampire family and also as an insult to humans. People in Forks would hear him saying it and start using it in replacement of “bae” because no one likes that word anyway. Edward would most likely create a Tumblr blog with the username “spider-monkey-vamp-123” and just post depressing quotes and pictures of early 20th century fashion.

In fact, the whole movie would just be about how Edward sells blood on the black market just so he can one day save up enough money to buy his own spider monkey who he can dress in a matching trench coat. Then he’d move to Canada and use his blood money to build an eccentric mansion that no one ever visits because everyone who enters dies.

New plan: Twilight is going to be about Edward living out the true vampire dream.

Also, here’s a spider monkey/Twilight video for you:

Thanks for reading! What are your thoughts on my version of Twilight? What changes would you want to make to the movie? Comment down below!

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