We all have our favorite movies. From timeless classics to little seen gems, there’s tons of movies out there that are truly great. Then, there’s the other side of that equation. Sometimes, you love a film for all the wrong reasons. From action shlock to pure incompetence, the B-movie genre is ripe with “classics.” They aren’t subtle pieces of art, but, let’s be honest, they’re way too much fun. Here’s some of the best B-movies ever made:
#10: Deadly Prey (1987)
Ahh Ted Prior, you wonderful human being.
Back in the 1980’s, there were countless knock-offs of Rambo and other macho-man action films. Deadly Prey is probably the most shameless of them all, and it’s so much better for it. It has all the typical terrible B-movie calling cards like an incomprehensible plot, dumb characters, and a prominent performance from B-movie regular Cameron Mitchell.
Filled with the best type of action shlock, You’ll want to stand and cheer once Ted Prior rips off an assailant’s arm and beats him to death with it.
#9: Hollywood Cop (1987)
From the director of Samurai Cop (keep that title in mind for later), comes another cop drama (?) that does not disappoint. Cameron Mitchell returns as another cop character that helps a detective that goes by the name of “Turkey” retrieve a child from a local mob boss.
Here, you’ll find some more terrible acting along with incomprensible and shocking plot points. As with any Amir Shervan movie, literally everything appears to be filmed by an alien.
#8: Troll 2 (1990)
I’ll let this speak for itself:
#7: The Last Vampire on Earth (2009)
Another shameless knock-off, The Last Vampire on Earth tried to capitalize on Twilight, but failed miserably. From famed director Vitaliy Versace (seriously, that’s his name) comes the epic tale of a vampire who goes to community college in order to one day become a blood doctor. The third act of the film adds a shockingly terrible twist that needs to be seen to be believed.
It has the usual terrible acting, but it also has one of the worst monologues ever put to screen from young actress McKenzie Grimmett. Bless your heart for trying! Thankfully, you ended up in one of the best B-movies ever made.
#6: Birdemic: Shock and Terror (2010)
The most poignant discussion of climate change ever, Birdemic is truly a masterpiece. From its breathtaking visual effects to perfectly woven themes, what’s not to love?
Lol jk, this movie is a dumpster fire.
Birds that go crazy because of climate change is beautiful in of itself, but the film is made with certain sincerity that makes it that much better. The best B-movies are made with the intention of being a great film, and Birdemic certainly has that characteristic. If you think movies are hamfisted with their messages, just wait until you see this film. Sometimes, the naive in show business are just the best.
#5: Suburban Sasquatch (2004)
Another classic example of a man out to make a masterpiece. Director Dave Wascavage wanted to make a film about society pressing on nature and nature’s response. But, instead, we got a film about a guy in a fur costume that rips apart plastic, Halloween-store bones. In an attempt to kill the monster, A Native American (played by a Mexican woman) must shoot all of her CGI arrows at him. I can’t stress enough how terrible the CGI is here. All the while, some dumb journalist is trying to win a Pulitzer for some reason that’ll never get any explanation.
And my god, those nipples:
#4: Miami Connection (2012)
This film is a shlock director’s wet dream. Rival Gangs? Rock music? Drugs? Ninjas? Count me in!
In essence, the plot of Miami Connection is a rock band that knows martial arts fights a motorcycle gang full of ninjas to gain control of the drug trade in the area. What follows is a high-energy, non-stop array of insane, bloody action that is truly unbelievable. This movies knows what it is, earning a spot among the best B-movies. This film oozes of a director attempting to capitalize on every late-80’s trend, and man is it glorious!
#3: Samurai Cop (1991)
Amir Shervan’s masterpiece, Samurai Cop is a blatant rip-off of Lethal Weapon, including come of the most memorable, terrible scenes ever put into a movie. The film’s star, Matt Hannon, does his best delivering some hilarious dialogue, but he and his wig just couldn’t save this incomprehensible mess from turning into an ironic classic.
I could say more, but I think this clip says it all:
#2: Double Down (2005)
Neil Breen is insane, and we should all be grateful that we continue to see his meltdowns in feature length form. All of Breen’s film’s focus on him as the best to ever live in any respect. He has every medal known to man, he can can steal any car at any time, and he can end the world by dropping biological bombs in every city. Why does he do these things? Beats me, but it’s beautiful!
Double Down is more than an experimental film, it’s an experience. From Breen eating tons of tuna to him awkwardly kissing a woman that got way more than she bargained for, Double Down just gets everything wrong. Yet, Neil Breen is the best, and the best that we’ll ever see (according to him).
It’s not the most well-known choice for the best B-movies, but for those that know it, they know.
#1: The Room (2003)
Anyways, how’s you sex life?
*To read my full review of The Room, please click here.
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