Harry Potter Should Have Died in ‘The Chamber of Secrets’

Hello again, dear readers! If you read my last article about all the ways Harry Potter should have died in The Sorcerer’s Stone, welcome back to the much-anticipated sequel! If you haven’t, welcome for the first time! Today we look at the liberties fantasy films, particularly the Harry Potter films, can take with reality.

Let’s be honest: Harry Potter was insanely stupid. Harry didn’t even realize he was a wizard until Hagrid told him. He just assumed that he could make the glass disappear at the zoo — just like young boys do!

Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) is just another adventure in stupidity and near-death for Harry. The only reason he survives is that Dumbledore wills it to be so and because he actually has smart friends.

Let’s look at all the ways Harry would have died had the plot not required him to live:

Harry Potter and the Gremlin That Tried to Kill Him

• Once again, the Dursleys were so abusive to Harry that he could have died.
• I feel like Harry has so much anger in him that he would have done some sort of magic to accidentally kill someone or himself by now.
• Dobby would have just straight-up murdered Harry on accident to prevent him from going to Hogwarts.
• Dobby, in his insanity, knocks over Harry’s dresser and crushes Harry beneath it.
• While dangling from the flying car, Harry doesn’t have enough upper body strength to pull himself back in and falls to his death. I mean, there is no gym class at Hogwarts. Harry Potter dies because he can’t do a push-up.
• When Mr. Dursley is trying to prevent Harry from escaping, he would have pulled Harry out of the car but accidentally slammed him against the side of the house like a ragdoll.
• Harry is unable to speak English and thus the Floo Powder transports him to Knockturn Alley where hoodlums immediately mug and kill him for fun.
• Hagrid kills Harry because he knows too much.
• Lucius Malfoy immediately murders Harry upon meeting him because Harry is so insolent.
• Platform 9 3/4 closes itself so Harry runs into the pillar and contracts brain damage. He later dies after weeks spent in a coma.
• The British military sees the flying Ford Anglia and shoots it down thinking its a nuclear missile.

Harry Potter and the 12-Year-Old That Knew How to Drive

• The train to Hogwarts runs over the flying car because Ron is a 12-year-old who doesn’t know how to drive.
• Once again, Harry doesn’t have enough upper body strength to pull himself back into the car and he falls to his death in the English countryside. Just keep the doors closed, Harry!
• Ron crashes the car and Harry dies.
• The Whomping Willow lethally spanks Harry and Ron.
• The car ejects Harry and Ron too hard and they die on impact.
• Flying luggage smacks Harry and he dies.
• Snape sees Harry and can only see Lily who refused to love him so he kills Harry. It makes perfect sense!
• While repotting the Mandrakes, Harry takes off his earmuffs to prove his dominance. This causes him to faint, hit his head, and die.
• The pixies wreak havoc in the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom and Harry dies in the chaos.
• Hagrid sits on Harry. Harry dies.
• Harry is knocked off his broom during the Quidditch match due to the Bludger and he dies. Or the Bludger just immediately kills him.

Harry Potter and the Scary, Hairy Spiders

• Gilderoy Lockhart, Malfoy, or Snape all think Harry sucks so they “accidentally” kill him while dueling.
• Fawkes explodes into flames and kills over-curious Harry.
• A poisonous spider bites Harry and he succumbs to his fate in the middle of the Forbidden Forest.
• Aragog straight up eats Harry before he can say anything.
• Harry is in danger and forgets he has a wand so he dies because he is an idiot. He also only knows one spell and dies because it’s useless.
• The cave-in in the Chamber of Secrets crushes Harry.
• Harry slips and falls in the chamber like an old person who needs Life Alert.
• Tom Riddle just Avada Kedavras Harry because he feels like it.
• Giant snake eats Harry. Yum!
• Harry succumbs to the basilisk poison.
• Fawkes struggles to carry four people and drops Harry and his friends to their deaths.
• Lucius Malfoy literally murders Harry for freeing Dobby. That’s not even me being funny. Lucius was straight up about to murder Harry in Hogwarts. Right in front of Dumbledore.

The True Hero of this Film is…

The flying Ford Anglia. Seriously, that car was there whenever Harry and Ron needed it. It helped them get to Hogwarts and it saved them from the army of spiders. If that Ford Anglia had not shown up just in the nick of time, Harry and Ron would’ve died and never been able to open the Chamber of Secrets.

Unfortunately, that’s the last we’ll ever see of the car. I think it could’ve defeated Voldemort, honestly.

Harry Potter should not have been able to defeat Voldemort, though. He should have died at least 34 times in just this movie. Harry could have been eaten by a multitude of monsters. However, the Boy Who Lived is not allowed to die.

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