Harry Potter Should Have Died in ‘The Prisoner of Azkaban’

I am back at it again with the “Harry Potter Should Have Died in…” series! Today, we will be looking at how Harry Potter should have died in The Prisoner of Azkaban. 

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004) has generally the same tone as the previous two Harry Potter movies — magical and whimsical with just a touch of teen angst. It also has just as many dangerous situations for Harry to die in. Harry Potter just has a knack for near-death experiences.

Once again, I will be listing the many ways Harry Potter should have died in The Prisoner of Azkaban and who should have been the hero instead.

Harry Potter and the Seat Belt PSA

• I start the same way every time, but the Dursleys really could have murdered Harry.
• Aunt Marge is blown up and Harry is executed for murder.
• Harry leaves the Dursleys in a huff only to get mugged and killed in the dark streets. Side note: Harry is that stupid horror movie protagonist that doesn’t understand to run away from creepy things.
• Harry is not wearing a seat belt and perishes in the Knight Bus after smacking his face into the windshield. Or he is squished after the Knight Bus shrinks to fit between two other buses. Harry doesn’t like being squished.
• The Dementors kill Harry on the train because instead of doing anything useful he just stares at them.

Harry Potter and the Psychotic Psychic Professor Who Probably Should Have Been the Prisoner of Azkaban

• Harry’s roommates beat him to death for being so annoying and save the Prisoner of Azkaban the trouble of doing it.
• Harry, once again, is always eating candy. He gets diabetes and dies.
• Professor Trelawney is so wacko that she inadvertently poisons Harry’s tea.
• Buckbeak stomps Harry to death because Harry has no respect for anything but himself. That or he just falls off mid-flight.
• Harry becomes the first known case of death from a Boggart.

Harry Potter and Harry Got Injured in a Quidditch Match…How Surprising

• Snape murders Harry for not doing his homework.
• The Dementors kill Harry during the Quidditch match. If not that, Harry falls to his death without anyone noticing him.
• Snape was so ready to murder Harry thinking he was Sirius Black wandering the halls. I’m actually flabbergasted that he didn’t.
• In her little psychic fit, Professor Trelawney accidentally strangles Harry to death.
• The executioner is bored and executes Harry instead.

Harry Potter and the Hantavirus is No Joke, Ron, Please Get Rid of Your Nasty Rat

• Malfoy kills Harry just for funsies.
• Past Harry sees Future Harry and decides to kill him to see what happens. He rips a hole in the space-time paradox and the world ends.
• The Whomping Willow shreds Harry to pieces.
• Ron gets the hantavirus from Scabbers. Ron then bites Harry who dies.
• The Whomping Willow really flung him into that secret passage. Harry would’ve died on impact.

Harry Potter and the Year Harry Learned at Least Five New Spells and Sucked at All of Them

• Lupin the Werewolf eats Harry. Yummy!
• Harry is USELESS against Dementors. He literally sat by the edge of the lake as the Dementors just sucked his soul. What are you doing, Harry??
• Hermione throws a rock at Harry’s head at just the right angle to kill him.
• The Firebolt broom bucks Harry off and he falls to his death.
• Harry is executed for aiding and abetting the Prisoner of Azkaban, a believed murderer.

The True Hero of this Film is…

Professor Remus Lupin. Without him, Harry would have never put two and two together to realize that Sirius Black was never the reason his parents were dead. He was the one who realized that Peter Pettigrew was still alive. Professor Lupin was apparently the only one in the entire school who knew Expecto Patronum. Plus, he could turn into a werewolf, which is pretty sweet.

Harry spent most of this movie taunting death. Professor Lupin took one look at Harry and said, “You are an absolute menace and cannot be trusted.” And he would be right. Harry is a menace.

AND YET, he gets to be the protagonist because he has a cool scar. That’s really cool, Harry. You could’ve died at least 25 times in this movie. But, whatever. You’re the Boy Who Lived, I guess.

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