Harry Potter Should Have Died in ‘The Order of the Phoenix’

We love the Harry Potter movies. But, if we’re being honest, Harry had plenty of chances to bite the dust as he encountered evil wizards, strange creatures, and perilous journeys throughout the series. Instead of giving in to the whimsy of this fantasy series, we’re taking stock of all the times Harry could (and should) have died.

Check out all the ways that Harry could have perished in:

• The Sorcerer’s Stone
• The Chamber of Secrets
• The Prisoner of Azkaban
• The Goblet of Fire

Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (2007) is by far the most annoying installment in the series due to the infamous Professor Umbridge. Shout-out to Imelda Staunton for portraying Umbridge, one of the most hated characters ever created. I don’t know if I could willingly choose to play a woman that has such a universal hatred mounted against her.

Like every other Harry Potter movie, Harry should not be alive at the end of this one. Even within the first ten minutes, Harry probably would have been mugged in a deserted children’s playground. Or Dudley would have beaten him up. Or the Dementors would have gotten him. No matter how you look at it, Harry Potter is one lucky duck.

Harry Potter and the Keep-Secrets-From-Harry Club

• Harry dies of heat exhaustion in the muggy British summer.
• Who hangs out at deserted playgrounds? Harry does. Someone is going to mug him and kill him.
• Dudley and his friends beat Harry up. Harry is such a delicate flower that he dies.
• The Dementors kill Harry.
• Harry slips on Dementor ice and cracks his skull open.
• Mrs. Figg thinks Harry is a Dementor and kills him.
• Uncle Vernon kills Harry in a blind rage for hurting Dudley.
• The punishment for using magic outside of school grounds is death for Harry.
• Tonks kills Harry for calling her Nymphadora.
• The Order of the Phoenix kills Harry for knowing too much.

Harry Potter and the Growing Number of People Who Are Just Now Realizing Harry Is Mentally Unstable

• Kreacher kills Harry because he is a horrid little gremlin.
• The Ministry of Magic carries out a hit on Harry.
• Harry is run over by a carriage. Seriously, Harry, just get out of the middle of the road.
• What kind of plant is Neville carrying at the beginning? Why does he have it? Whatever. It eats Harry.
• Luna Lovegood goes mad and thinks Harry is a Nargle, killing him.
• Professor Umbridge sees Harry and murders him on the spot.
• Seamus forms a mob to murder Harry for spreading lies about Voldemort’s return. Also, because Harry insulted his mother. What a jerk.
• Fred and George feed Harry an experimental candy that is supposed to give you uncontrollable farting. It doesn’t work and Harry dies instead.
• Harry has a major hormonal imbalance that ends up killing him.
• The thestrals eat Harry. This one isn’t even that far-fetched — they like to eat raw meat. What’s stopping them from just eating someone?

Harry Potter and “No, Hermione, I Don’t Need a Coat, I’ll be Fine”

• Umbridge sets Harry on fire instead of the pretty paper crane.
• Harry proves that is possible to die of awkwardness/embarrassment.
• Harry is trampled by a crowd of students.
• While talking to Sirius in the fire, Harry gets too close and falls into the fire.
• Harry’s lightning scar acts as a lightning rod and he is struck by lightning during one of the evil wizard storms that happen. Why does evil create a storm?
• Harry freezes to death in the winter because all he wears is a jacket.
• Prospective Dumbledore’s Army members want to see how powerful Harry really is. They accidentally kill him.
• Umbridge kills Harry for not following the rules.
• During practice in the Room of Requirement, an errant spell kills Harry.

Harry Potter and the Flesh-Eating Horses that Only Harry and Luna Can See Drive Him Mad

• Cedric comes back from the dead to kill Harry for stealing his girlfriend.
• Harry falls down the mountain trying to reach Hagrid’s hut.
• The wall in the Room of Requirement bursts open and kills Harry.
• Harry is trampled by the centaurs.
• Grawp sits on Harry and kills him.
• One of the Weasley fireworks goes awry and kills Harry.
• Harry falls off the thestral to his death.
• A night watchman in the Department of Mysteries kills Harry.
• Death Eaters murder Harry and his friends.

Harry Potter and the Death Eaters of Missed Opportunities

• Harry bleeds to death after being cut by millions of shards of glass.
• One of the giant shelves falls and crushes Harry.
• Harry walks into the scary Archway of Death.
• Lucius murders Harry before the Order of the Phoenix shows up, as he once tried to do in The Chamber of Secrets.
• Bellatrix murders Harry, as she has ample opportunity to do so.
• Why didn’t Voldemort murder Harry? He literally stood over him and was like, “Lol I’m going to kill you one day” and then left? Some Dark Lord.
• Flying debris from the Voldemort/Dumbledore fight kills Harry.
• Dumbledore tries to push Harry away from the fight and slams him into a wall.

The True Hero of this Film is…

Voldemort. That’s right, the hero of this film is Voldemort.

First of all, he had the perfect opportunity to kill Harry. He was literally standing over him and didn’t kill him. There were numerous times that Voldemort could have killed the Boy Who Lived, but he didn’t take any of them. Voldemort is nothing if not respectful of Harry’s education and other obligations.

Plus, Voldemort finally proved Harry wasn’t a liar by showing his face to the Minister of Magic. If I had been Voldemort, I would have simply disappeared before the Minister showed up. However, Voldemort is a good guy and stuck around just so that people would know Harry wasn’t insane. What a great guy!

Of course, many will say Harry Potter was the real hero of this movie. I guess you could say that, if being a hero means being the reason for your godfather’s death and nearly killing your friends on your selfish errand. Also, heroes probably shouldn’t be rude to their friends the entire year and then expect their help at the end. I wish that Harry would have died any of those 47 times I listed.

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